stop bitin' while i'm rhyme writin'/ or we'll be like fighting ... mike tyson.
It might not even be good, but it's still RAP
Something for everyone, but not everything for someone
Filling the cracks in the sidewalk of online rap

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Pump It!

When a new installment of the Kidz Bop Kids series hits the racks, RAPINJUSTICE features Kidz Bop Week, which periodically spotlights some noteworthy tracks off of the compilation.

Kidz Bop Kids - Pump It

SETTING: A board room, five white males and a white female, all dressed in suits, sit around a conference table. A conference call phone is bolted to the center of the table. The man sitting at the end of the table speaks.

WHITE MALE: OK, what new tracks do you all have for me today?

WHITE MALE, GLASSES: Well, Mr. Goldstein, the charts are absolutely burning up for this guy, James Blunt.

WHITE MALE, GLASSES hits play button on tape player, James Blunt's "Beautiful" plays. The lyrics are cued up to "Yeah, she caught my eye/ as we walked on by/ she could see from my face/ that i was/ flying high..."

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (sincerely) James Blunt, hmm? Those lyrics sound tame and not at all about anything depraved or illegal. I like it. It's done, just after we check to see if there exists an album version that has a cuss word in it for the kids--No! Wait, nevermind. I have a hunch about this James Blunt guy, he's clean. He just sounds clean, you know? His name, "Blunt" even evokes a... a... rock. Blunt like a rock. Solid. Let's go with it. "Kidz Bop 10" is now underway! Now what else we got?

WHITE FEMALE: Kelly Clarkson, Madonna.

WHITE MALE, TOUPEE: Ashlee Simpson, All-American Rejects.

MR. GOLDSTEIN: Sounds good, so far. What about, um, more "urban" artists? You know the kids out there love the blacks. Have you all been watching "The Parkers" and taking your scheduled trips up to Harlem like I asked?

WHITE FEMALE: Yes, apparently I have a "ba-donk-a-donk." What's that?

WHITE MALE, TOUPEE: (ignoring her) Yes, I did, Mr. Goldstein. And I've compiled a list of artists that are, as I understand, "popping" (uses air quotes, chuckles to himself) in the streets. *ahem* My boy, T-Bone helped me with this list: Dipset, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana, Young Jeezy, the Clipse, Lil' Wayne or as he's also known Young Weezy, Rick Ross, Ghostface Killah...

MR. GOLDSTEIN: Did you say "Killah"? That's not appropriate for kids at all. You're fired. Get out of here. What do you have for us, Johnson?

JOHNSON: The Black Eyed Peas?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: Now we're talkin'! Who doesn't love dancing Mexicans and girls who look sort of hot from far away if you squint? What song is good right now?

JOHNSON: Um, this one song that samples the theme from Pulp Fiction. It goes, "Blast your stereo, riiiiight/ Niggas wanna hate on us/ Niggas be envious/---"

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (cuts him off) What? Are you stupid? That's not going to work at all. Let me see those lyrics. (mumbling) Your girl admits that we the shit...chick say she ain't down... but chick backstage when we in town... OK, this won't do at all. We can't use these words. I thought these guys were non threatening?

JOHNSON: We could, um, rewrite the words?


JOHNSON: Um. I said we could perhaps maybe rewrite the words?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: Johnson, I've had an incredible idea, let's rewrite the words!

JOHNSON: Uh, OK. Well, we can keep the chorus. That part is fun and danceable. But what will we fill in the rest with? We aren't rappers.

MR. GOLDSTEIN: Oh, come on. How hard could it be? Who...where...why...what... come on... come on. Are you writing this down?

JOHNSON: This is your rap? Seriously?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (takes off tie, stands up, starts freestyling) Contagious, outrageous! Boo! Sizzlin'! Fizzlin'! Fa shizzlin'! Ah.... yeah! That's what we do! Pump it! Do it! Move it! Haha! (screams, runs out of the room)

JOHNSON: Uh, where'd you go?

MR. GOLDSTEIN: (pops head back into office) That reminds me of a song I heard on MTV this morning. Some Chinese guy was rapping about Iraq or something. Get that song for Kidz Bop. I'm taking the rest of the day off to smoke some Newports and eat some fried chicken! Fa shizzlin'!

(Fade to black)


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